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[04/30/03 05:23pm] |
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Before anyone comments on anything below, please read the comments on Lauras LJ!
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| My side of the story |
[04/30/03 03:44pm] |
Bring Me To Life - Evanescence
Note This will be my last entry in this journal.. If you want my new LJ address email me and Ill send you the address. /Note
Alright, Im going to tell my side of this story, and Im going to tell it straight through. It is my opinion, and the things that have happened to ME. I dont want bitching in my comments, and I dont want fighting. And thats it!
Ok. Going back..
I am talking to jason, and I am being completely civil and nice to him. And then he says something to me that upsets me. He knows that it really bothers me when he says this kind of stuff to me. But he does it anyways. It bothers me for two reasons: 1) Because he is not my boyfriend, and never will be. and 2) Because lately he has been acting like he likes my best friend julie.
Now, julie likes jason too, so, being a good friend, I tell her what he said to me, because I dont want her getting hurt. I also post the convo (minus his screenname) on my LJ. Julie gets offline, and so do I for awhile.
When I get back on, suddenly there is a huge war zone opened up in front of me. I get messages from jason telling me that I am going to be sorry for what I did (using freedom of speech?). Then I get a message from my friend laura telling me that jason told her he was brining knives to the Tunk 'botics competition.. Again I get threatening messages from jason, telling me to take the stuff in my journal down or I will be sorry. Laura tells me that she is going to tell the advisors of what jason said to her. Next I find out that julie knew about this too and he said something to her along the lines of that "she" (reffering to me) has pushed his buttons too far and it would all end at Tunk. So now I decide that even though laura is telling the adults, Im not going to Tunk.. But then everything settles down, and I start thinking maybe I will go.
Then I find out that laura didnt tell the advisors like she said she would. Now I feel completely betrayed. She told me she was going to tell them, and she didnt. So how am I supposed to feel now? How am I supposed to go to Tunk when I dont feel safe. I post my opinions in my LJ again, and my boyfriend posts a comment supporting me, like he always has. And suddenly now he is getting bitched at for no reason. What the hell is up with that? So again, I dont know what to think.
Right now, I dont know what I am going to do. But as of now I am not going to Tunk, because my mother doesnt want me to go, because the advisors have not been told of what happened. She worries about me too. And then again, Im feeling like the only people who want me there are mike and julie. And Im even nervous about them going if they decide to. As much as jason hates me, he hates mike more. And why? Because he was jealous. I dont really know (or care) if jason is jealous anymore, because I thought that had been put behind us. But with his comments as of late, I cant really be sure that it has.
Well.. Those involved know who they are. So guys, tell me.. What the hell amd I supposed to do? Because saying your going to make a person sorry for hurting your friends isnt going to to much if your friend is seriously hurt.. or dead
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| FED THE FUCK UP |
[04/29/03 09:50pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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music |
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The Best Deceptions - Dashboard Confessional |
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I really do enjoy being lied to. Yes I do, especially when my safety is being compromised by a half psycho asshole! Im not trying to start up another fight, get that straight right away. But
I know him, I take what he said seriously. When you say you're gonna do something, do it. Dont back out of it. Cuz now its either you tell them or I will. Because I am not going to keep dealing with this bullshit over and over again. I know that after this settles down he will leave you guys alone, but not me. THIS IS THE SECOND FUCKING TIME he has said stuff like this to me. So yeah... Im less then pleased at the moment. And I wonder why. I feel like I have been betrayed and someone who is supposed to be my friend has let emotions get in the way of doing the right thing.. I dont know what to think anymore, and I dont know where my loyalties lie. I just feel like for the second time in 3 days, I have been put in jeopardy.
So yeah, 99.9% chance Im not going to Tunk. Because I dont feel like putting myself into jeopardy.. Even if he didnt mean them. I do not like the position I have been put in, and Im not going to deal with it. I dont want to see him, I dont want to talk to him, I dont ever want to be near him again.
again I say I AM NOT trying to start another fight, but I cant deal with this anymore. He is going to drive me crazy. Or drive me to do something that Im going to regret.
So thats where I stand.. And right now.. Its all I have
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| And now for something completely different |
[04/28/03 09:24pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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music |
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Passenger - Deftones |
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Here is my rather pathetic attempt to get everyones mind of of things at least for a bit:
Passenger - The Deftones
Here I lay
Still and breathless
Just like always
Still I want some more
Mirrors sideways
Who cares what's behind
Just like always
Still your passenger
The chrome buttons, buckles on leather surfaces
These and other lucky witnesses
Now to calm me
This time won't you please...
Drive faster!
Roll the window down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees anything?
I'm your passenger
I'm your passenger
Drop...these down
Then...and put them on me
Nice...cool seats there
To cushion your knees
Now to calm me
Take me around again
Don't pull over
This time won't you please -
Drive faster!!!
Roll the window down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees what tonight?
Roll these misty windows
Down to catch my breath again
Go and go and don't just
Drive me home then back again!
Here I lay
Just like always
Don't let me
Go... (9x)
Take me to the end...
Now... WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SONG ABOUT!??!?!! Anyone got ideas? You have to admit.. Its kinda strange..
But now.. to me.. ITS ODDLY SOUNDS LIKE SEX!!!!! Anyone else feel the same way?
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| I want them to.. I want him to.. |
[04/28/03 08:27pm] |
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music |
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Passenger - Deftones |
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I want them to not be in pain. They don't deserve this. The only person who deserves to be in a compromised situation is me., because I created the situation. Im not blaming myself for it (as some people would like me to) beacuse it was something that had to be done. Im sick of the bullshit! It needs to fucking stop and YOU!!!! (you know who you are) You are 20 years old for christ's sake! Get a fucking real life and grow the hell up!
I want him to hurt. I want him to be in as much pain as he has caused. I want him to know who he hurt and face up to it, because thats what adults do, and he is an adult. Plain and simple.
You know who you are.
You know what you are doing.
You are not hurting me
I am not afraid of you.
You hurt me (touch me even) and you will pay. And that is a promise.
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| He still wants me? |
[04/27/03 11:46am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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Cry Little Sister - Sisters of Mercy |
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Well, found out yesterday that my ex boyfriend might not be over me like I thought he was..
____________ (8:59:15 PM): i miss ur lips
psychowhitters (8:59:26 PM): ..
____________ (9:00:18 PM): n/m
psychowhitters (9:00:19 PM): ?
____________ (9:00:54 PM): never mind,
psychowhitters (9:01:17 PM): why?
____________ (9:01:42 PM): u didnt get it when i said, i miss ur lips
psychowhitters (9:02:31 PM): not really'
____________ (9:04:06 PM): i havent kissed u in so long, i miss ur lips
Why do I not get warm cuddly feelings from that? Oh I know.. BECAUSE I DESPISE HIM! *rolls eyes* Anyways, yeah, why is he act so stuck on me? I think he does it to make me uncomfortable.. But yeah. Doesn't bother me, because I have Mike, whom I love dearly, and nobody is gonna take him away from me.
Last paragraph edited out.. because someong wants to be a big whiney baby Also would like to add: someone wants to be a FUCKNUT and hurt the people I care about. I HOPE YOU LIVE A COMPLETELY MISERABLE LIFE FOREVER!
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| Spring Break Is Over |
[04/21/03 06:01pm] |
music: none
Well, spring break is over. It was great. I went to Mike's house all day Friday, and he came here most of the day Sunday. We hung out and had a lot of fun.
New layout at Dark Soul. Its all Gir Dog-y now. Heehee. Invader Zim is the best cartoon. ^_^
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| I Wonder |
[04/17/03 12:06am] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
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music |
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Loose Yourself (8 Mile Remix) - Eminem |
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Things have been getting weird lately. I am starting to remember things from awhile back that I have tried to push out of my mind. Starting to remember things that happened when I was someone different. Someone who I didnt and still dont like at all. Yet here are these memories, playing out before me so vividly I feel as if I could reach out and touch them, and then be back in that time again.
I seem to be drifting in and out of this state where I am perfectly fine, and then suddenly these memories crowd my mind of any thought. I dont really know what caused them to return to me, but I would appreciate it if they would go away. That girl is no longer a major part of who I am today. Sure, a few of her traits linger, and a few old habits spur up now and again, but not often enough to say that I even remember who she was. Well.. Who I was.
That was the bad times. The times of darkness, cruelty, and pain. Im not going to go back into that time. I wont let myself. I have too many things here that keep my sanity in tact. I just fear that the remembrance of these things may be harmful to myself or others, and that these old habits may cause some new conflicts in my personal life. But all I can do for now is stay positive and keep telling myself that things will be alright.
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| At School |
[04/16/03 08:55am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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None |
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Just wanted to let you all know that I am back from Nationals! you can read all about my adventure here: http://dark-soul.org and you can view select parts of my adventure through pictures that I took here: http://dark-soul.org/nationals . Its grand. Hope to talk to you all again really soon!
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| Im Leaving On A Jet Plane |
[04/08/03 08:54am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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None |
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Well guys, Im leaving tomorrow for Houston, TX for Nationals in robotics. Hopefully we will have lots of fun and such. I wont be back until Sunday, but expect to hear an earful when I do come home. Im also going to take a lot of piccies for you all! ^_^
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| Welcome to your new life |
[04/07/03 08:02pm] |
Well, it took forever, but I finally got all of the entries in this LJ deleted. The reason: Im starting over. I need to put some things behind me.. and all that these entries were doing was continuously bringing those things back up.
Im going to try and not neglect you as much LJ. Cuz you are special! Heehee.
Wednesday morning we leave for Houston, TX for Robotics Nationals. I hope that we do really well. Because yeah.. Its fun to win. also, check out http://dark-soul.org/robotics for the pictures that I took at the Johnson & Johnson Mid-Atlantic regional this past weekend!
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